Best Sentences of the Day p2

Yeah but I’m gonna work on my paper tonight when I get sexiled from my room.

I couldn’t sleep at all last night so I’ve been up 36hrs, it’s ok tho, I just put extra makeup on.

Lesbian Dating: Game Show

I have been home for almost 3 months now and I have not opened the dating app since I landed. Though it helped me meet people and make friends in Texas, that was out of time. I’m in real life now and I can’t bring myself to do it. It keeps sending me notifications, I think I’m at 49 likes which feels good, but I just can’t. Maybe I just feel safer holding out hope my crush might say yes or I’m just too scared I’ll end up bad relationship again or I’m just not healed up enough or I’m too picky in my old age or maybe the prospects I see don’t do anything for me. 

Enter a game show on Hulu, First Dates. There’s a British version of this show and I’ve caught a few episodes. One was a lesbian couple that made me laugh and sigh about maybe someday. 

At the start of the show, part of me kind of wanted to apply. It sounds like there’s an interview process and comparability is researched. Who wouldn’t find a blind date kinda fun and daring. Maybe something would just click.

Until I got an episode and a half in, it’s just reconfirming my hesitance.  I am over 7 months out of my last long term relationship and 8 years out of casual dating and this show just scared the bjesus out of me, sure I know it’s reality TV but damn. 

I want love, I want a family, a wife and maybe kids (even if it’s just pets), and want the cliched everything, but that apps gonna stay unopened a bit longer, I’m not ready.

And why the hell is Drew Barrymore narrating this show!!??

The Kid Who Explained Up

I was at my first drill the other day when I saw a young solder limping.

“You alright?” I asked thinking she was way too young to be so hurt.

“I wrecked my hip.” She explained as we waited for army coffee.

“In basic training?” I asked concerned. Most of the career ending injuries women take are hip injuries. A good friend of mine got hurt that way and never went back, even when healed up.

“Maybe.” She said but looked really confused by her own comment. “I went hiking around here.”

(So thats a NO to hurt in basic)

“You know when there are rocks on a mountain….” She then began to gesture in the air to indicate steep and up but felt the need to describe it, but without using any of those words.

“You went up the mountain?” I asked finally.

The look of relief on her face! This new unit should be interesting.

Best Sentences of the Day

In 4th place – You have internal organs in there that are squishy.

In 3rd place – Will you smell this dirt on my calf, I’m not sure if it’s dirt or dog sh*t

In 2nd place – I really need to reread that book series again, I’ve yet to read it in English

And in 1st place – I need to microwave the cat litter I keep inside of my bagpipes

 

I have wonderful and unusual friends

Overheard in Hottopic

“Dad! Dad! This is my favorite drag queen!” Said the excited teen.

“Alrighty then.” Said dad slowly as he obviously worked on his 80s upbringing and nodded his head.

I love people, 10 years ago this guy would have had manly and insulting things to say. Now I can see him trying to wrap his mind around this new world he finds himself in!

Lesbian Dating: My First Crush

Having been single a few months now I realized I am experiencing something I haven’t felt in a VERY long time: my first crush. 

After being so very unhappy lately this is kind of amazing! I feel like I’m high, all the time! 

Ok I am also completely realistic, it’s not going to happen in real life, she doesn’t think of me like that, I have no expectations that something will come out it. That said…. damn!

I can’t think of anything else. How the hell did I ever get anything done in middle school?! I hear from her and it makes my whole week. My buddies make fun of me for the stupid smile on my face when I talk to her and can tell when I’m agonizing over the right reply. 

When I don’t talk to her I worry incessantly that I’ve said something too flirty and she’ll stop talking to me. I feel like such a raving idiot. The dreams, (though no more than pg-13 rated) are pretty nice too, a welcome break from the usual nightmares.

It’s an amazing bittersweet feeling. I can’t remember the last time I had just a regular, uncomplicated, crush on a beautiful woman and could sit and smile knowing my battered heart is at least in a safe place as it heals. 

My friends all encourage me to ask her out but that sends me into a panic, I have been so many years away from dating, I wouldn’t know what to say or do so that tells me I have a long way to go before I’m ready to even think seriously about it, but it’s nice of them to think I even have a shot. Besides, she deserves way better than this appealing mess that makes up me!

Lesbian Dating: Well That Was Dumb

One of my closest friends has always found her dating partners on Craigslist. I was confused when I heard this but it seems to have worked out for her. 

One night I couldn’t sleep so I decided to log on to the local Craigslist back home and selected dating/girl seeking girl.

Item one: Searching for someone to explore golden showers.

Two: Someone to pleasure me while my boyfriend watches.

Three: Someone to join me and my boyfriend.

Four: Seeking for someone who likes whips and chains, ability to travel a must.

Five: Dom seeking cute passive.

Lesson learned. Straight people might be able to find love on Craigslist but lesbians only go there for kink. More power to them for being comfy with themselves but that’s obviously not what I’m looking for!! 

I’m never dating again.

Lesbian Dating: Starting Over

After my breakup I was freaking out  (sometimes I still do). I asked one of my closest friends how I was ever going to date again. I’m years out of the dating world, I’m old, and I’m a soldier, who the hell would want to put up with all of that?!

And she said the best thing ever: “Even as messes go, you are still kind, funny, intelligent. You’re not doing self destructive things like turning to drugs or trying to off yourself. As far as messes go you’re not even an undesirable mess.” 

I don’t know why but I find that hilarious and encouraging, I think about it any time I need to smile and worry less about the future, to know that even me as a mess still has some appeal!

Maybe some day I’ll be ready again but the thought of it is still intimidating.

NCO Boards

Well I just made a complete ass of myself. I guess i was due, I do this about once a year. Sometimes it’s something relatively small like dumping an entire plate of food on my lap (did that during a date once). Other times it’s fairly large, like when I called the Sergeant Major of the Army by the wrong rank (Chandler not Dailey).

This time it was pretty bad. 20 days ago I was voluntold to participate in the NCO of the month board. Basically you march, recite the NCO creed, answer 100 questions about everything army and then march out. For 20 days I have put off reading, writing (except when needed for sanity), watching tv shows, and all kinds of other things so I could study. I have studied for hours and hours and hours. I downloaded an app, had my friends ask me questions, recited the NCO creed every time I went to the bathroom.

And the board happened today and it was a disaster.

I think I missed 85% of the questions even though I knew some of the answers! I only got 3 lines into the creed even tho I do actually know it by heart…. I could probably type it out for you right now, but no, forgot the whole damn thing! There were many important people in the room too. 

Oye. 

Oh well, at least it’s over and I can write and read again and watch youtube without feeling guilty.

Overheard

“So you are driving down the road, fiddling with your leg, texting, and face timing me all at the same time? Follow the rules of the road mom!”