I had a nightmare last night. It was a completely different scenario than my breakup, but it felt exactly the same. I woke up terrified. I felt betrayed by my subconscious for making me relive that again. Of course, I know it’s my guilt making me suffer. The nightmares never seem to stop, just another day waking up twisted up in my pjs, sweating, and with heart pounding.
From bed I messaged a few of my closest friends. Instantly they made it better. Laura made the best suggestion.
“Just take a few minutes and think about how you’re not there now and write a list of 10 things you’re thankful for in your life since then.”
- My friends – The first thing that came to mind was about 6 or 8 names of friends and family who have helped me through this, in small to massive ways. I am so grateful that I had so many people I could message and say help. And that they all did. From a year ago when I could barely speak about what was wrong, all the way to today where I’ve been heard and encouraged as I recover.
- My new home – My roommate makes the first bullet point too, but it’s also about a home, not just an apartment to exist in, I feel alive here. I love all the light, the sound of the trains at night, it’s nearness to a park where I run, it’s nearness to school so my morning commute is no longer a nightmare, the tiny garden I’m allowed to play in, the stoop I can people watch from. Everything about it that makes it home.
- That it’s spring – Its beautiful every day, even when it’s Pittsburgh gloomy as I drive or walk or run around. It’s iris time and I am distracted in the best way. My tomatoes will mostly survive the last frost and I talk to the plants as often as I can.
- Upcoming vacations – I need an adventure and it’s heading my way swiftly.
- Being a soldier – It adds to my purpose.
- Music – Sometimes I forget how much I love music, but it doesn’t seem to mind. I rock out every day, dancing like an idiot as I make breakfast or encouraging my mad driving.
- Working out – Honestly its the most under appreciated anti depressant and helps keep my back from aching.
- Writing – There is a rotted out picnic table in my backyard and on sunny days I head there, laden down with coffee, food, a cigar, my computer, and my music and just write my feelings or whatever is in my heart.
- Social media – Yeah I know it’s an odd one, but with people I care about all over the world, it makes the distance less painful.
- That I am whole – Not the mantra I was planning for this year, but I embrace it. Broken but whole.
The horror of the dream made me forget until I’d compiled my list that there was more to my dream. Like a shy promise, there was someone there in my dream, faceless and nameless, but I felt her like a bright sun warming my back, soothing the agony of the dream. I will take this hope as I heal and undo and focus on living with love.