Lesbian Dating: Rebound

Once a very long time ago, I broke up with a woman. It’s hard to tell (even in retrospect) what was worse, the 8 month relationship in which we merged way too fast and crashed and burned shortly after or the hideousness of the breakup. I discovered my dark side that time. Desperate for fun I went out and found some. Of course, I failed to see the signs and allowed what really, really should have been just a rebound, become a dating thing… Which lasted… 10 months?! And then crashed and burned hideously.

Sadly, that is not the only time in my history I wasn’t paying attention and I tried to make a rebound into something more. I assume my reasons for that are loneliness and guilt over the thought of using someone as I get better. Earlier I was rereading older posts and I came across Like Voldemort and to me that guilt is more than just of using someone, but of also about losing a piece of myself before I’m even more healed from my last heartbreak. I want the be ready and open for when the real thing comes along.

Because it’s that real thing that I actually want, what I can’t stop thinking about.

But I am completely aware that I am damaged goods. Even now as I get hit on and try not to think about my crush, the idea of a relationship again, of trusting someone again, of being vulnerable with someone after that was a mocked thing before. It’s terrifying. I know I’m not ready, but I want to be.

And here I am again, faced with the debate of to rebound or not to rebound so I can heal properly. Am I risking fucking up true love because I didn’t clear my head and go crazy for a while? All of my friends seem to think so.

So my question is, is the whole concept of a rebound absolute bullshit used to justify being crazy after a breakup, or is it a real thing? Do we need simple attention to clear our heads and the marks the previous person left upon us? Should we just grow up and take time to focus on ourselves? Maybe taking our time would eliminate the need for a rebound? Or maybe we just deserve to feel good for a little while as a celebration of the next step of life.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s