The countdown has begun. Before I was able to distract myself with birthdays, vacation, army things, but those are all done with and there is nothing between now and then. My father canceled his visit before my surgery (vacation plans conflicted), my mother randomly decided to move away and canceled her visit for during my surgery.
When I heard hysterectomy in the past, I thought of older women, cancer survivors or people like my mom who had fibroids growing. Now in my early 30s I too have fibroids.
I’ve already done this once before. I had a cyst removed from from down there and it was one of the top 5 worst experiences of my life. And now I get to do it again. Except this time it’s worse, more serious and has the potential of more complications (a few of which my sister was all too excited to share with me during our last conversation… on my birthday by the way… Ass).
This isn’t some kind of one-and-done either. They put me on medication to cause a false menopause. The drug not only has side effects (mood swings, depression, tiredness, etc) but then there are the menopause side effects too (hot flashes, insomnia, depression, mood swings, lack of energy, lack of sex drive, etc) and my fibroid is so large, I’ve had to be on the drug for three months before I could get the damn thing removed. Afterward comes a whole new list of potential issues I’m not ready to look into.
I don’t have too many natural fears. Bugs are cute. Darkness equals better sleep. Lightning is awesome. Bad guys are what the training has been for. Flying gets me too the cool places I want to see. Most normal phobias are a breeze…. just about everything else I could consider a phobia, fear or issue are all wrapped up in surgeries.
I hate the waiting, I hate the side effects, I hate the surgery, and the fact that everything else seems amplified because this is coming, conflating everything I feel and see and do. I am angrier, exhausted, my energy is gone, my bs tolerance is gone, my interest in activities or good food is gone, fun doesn’t feel fun and rest makes me more tired.
But it’s ok because in 19 days the real fun starts.